Barstool Wrap Party - Golden Globes 2016

 

 

Its Award Show season! Everyone’s favorite time of year to make fun of celebrities on television and judge them from afar on the internet. The world’s most famous smokes and all the best actors and musicians on the planet all going head to head for awards that dont really matter.

As always, Awards Show Season kicks off with the Golden Globes. Which is always a fucking disaster. Its a completely made up show. It drags on and on. Its like an elephant dart to the public’s face. But its a warmup for the good ones like the Grammy’s so its like Spring Training. Get the rust off. Remember how to live tweet about all these assholes. Ease into it all. Highlights from The Globes lets go:

1) Ricky Gervais hosts again

Cant stand Ricky Gervais. Its probably the British accent. But I just get this vibe that he’s a pompous prick who thinks he’s funnier than he is. Like he struts up to the podium thinking “I am just sooo funny and edgy I’m gonna say offensive things about these celebrities!” The part in his monologue where he said he fucks himself with a Golden Globe statue was just really, really funny stuff.

The highlight of the show for Ricky Gervais was his run in with Mel Gibson after having joked about Mel’s infamous voicemails the previous time he hosted:

Mel said Ricky reminds him of his asshole, and Ricky came back out and asked “What the fuck does sugar tits even mean?”

2. Leo Dicaprio afraid of that weirdo Lady Gaga

Probably the most memorable moment of the show last night. That freakshow Gaga just plowing through the crowd and Leo pulling his hand away like he was gonna catch cooties. Love how Leo was basically doing his Jay Gatsby before she ran into him. “Ha Ha Ha…good one, old sport!…yikes! The stinky chick in class touched me!”

3. Katy Perry has HUGE tits

Every year there’s a chick who rocks out with her tits out and everyone calls them her “Golden Globes.” Well Katy Perry’s are straight up platinum. And when she took the stage its like she knew everyone was mad the microphone stand was right in between her tits. Had to give the people what they wanted:

4. Brie Larson is the new smokeshow on the scene:

Remember her from 21 Jump Street:

Yea well she got a lot hotter. Kinda has a Christine Taylor vibe going for her. When they do a remake of Hey Dude she should play Melanie.

5. Kate Hudson is the old smoke on the scene:

Still a kinky little minx, this one. Rocking the choker thing around her neck with the stomach out. No doubt in my mind Kate Hudson fucks.

6. J Law was a show stopper

Now most people thought she was ravishing. But I also got some Peter Pan vibes from her.

Poor Amy Schumer had to go up against her and looked like a total schlub

 

Although to be fair she always kinda looks like a schlub so whatever. J Law also ethered this reporter for basically not speaking English:

And then there was this chick who I have never seen before but she had a huge rack and was rambling like she was coked out of her mind:

Jason Sudekis rocked Jordans:

One of the best celebrity sneakerheads out there and one of the best Jordans out there. Concord 11 lows. One of my favorite shoes of all time. And now I know some of you think sneakers are stupid but at least he wasn’t this dude who rocked high heels:

Channing Tatum has some weird emo haircut and looks like an asshole:

This better be for a role. He looks like fucking Todd from Wedding Crashers or Bill Hader as Stefon in SNL

Hey bro why dont you just go back to a normal haircut and be one of the best looking guys on the planet that every girl wants to fuck? I need Jonah Hill to sit him down and be like “Dude what the fuck are you doing?”

Every one of our favorite actors is OLD:

Tom Hanks…OLD

Jim Carrey…OLD

Denzel…OLD

Dude couldnt read the teleprompter.

Morgan Freeman…OLD

Got up there and promptly made jokes about how everyone was clapping for him because he’ll probably die soon.

Sly Stallone…OLD

Sly Stallone’s Daughters….OLD ENOUGH

 

Also while we’re talking about Denzel…there is no figure in society that is handled differently by white people and black people quite like Denzel. White people are like “OMG I loved Man on Fire. Creasy Bear!” and black people are like:

 

White people are like “I cried at the end of John Q!” Black people are like:

Thats why hes so successful. Hes like an independent third party who gets love from both sides.

 

Meanwhile, Quentin Tarantino wasn’t loved by both sides after using the word “ghetto” in his acceptance speech on behalf of Ennio Morricone.  Tarantino was a maniac as usual and Jamie Foxx gave him the verbal, real life version of smdh

The only dude who’s still looking young as fuck is Brad Pitt

Real life Benjamin Button up there going toe to toe with Gosling at the age of fucking 52. Eva Longoria right there with him…still got that fastball at the age of 40:

On my list of all time favorites, Eva Longoria is WAY up there. Tony Parker is an idiot.

The Martian won a bunch of awards because the Golden Globes called it a comedy

That was a real knee slapper, that Martian. I loved the part where the dude thought he was going to die alone on a lifeless, desolate planet! Laughed my dick off! I take my awards shows very seriously and putting the Martian in comedy is a goddam joke. The first like 10 TV shows to win awards I had never even heard of. I’m pretty sure at one point Veep lost to a musical? Fargo lost to some show I’ve never heard of. Lady Gaga winning awards for her TV acting. The whole thing is just a joke. Out of all the awards shows, the Golden Globes is the one where the winners actually dont mean a thing. Completely clown show operation from the Hollywood Foreign Press.

Leo and the Revenant won a bunch of shit

Leo was very gracious because he’s an OG and knows how to act. But if you read between the lines he’s basically saying “If this isnt just an appetizer to winning the Oscar, I’m going to fucking murder everyone in this room.” For real this guy doesnt give a fuck about a Golden Globe. Probably wants to shove it up Ricky Gervais’ asshole. Dude slept inside a bear. Even if he doesnt really deserve it consider it a make up call for every other time he got snubbed.

And my lowkey favorite moment of the entire show was Greg Buehl from 8 Mile with lunatic Clap Game

Without fail, every. single. awards. show. there is a celebrity who claps like a total weirdo. Its actually pretty remarkable. Its like some underground inside joke they all have. They assign one person to clap like a maniac for the cameras or something. Michael Shannon got the nod. What a lunatic.

Thats it for the lame ass Golden Globes. Next up – Screen Actors Guild Awards on January 30th.